


Steven Universe: Heretics and Killers

by Master_of_the_Boot1



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Dark Magic, F/F, F/M, Genderswap, Graphic Description, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-09-15 09:40:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16930869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Master_of_the_Boot1/pseuds/Master_of_the_Boot1
Summary: Steven is a simple boy who was raised in a whorehouse with his Uncle Pearl. But Dark Forces rise from a world down under, seeking vengeance and slaughter.With the aid of a blacksmith and a lost princess he must survive a powerful water witch, demon armies, crusader knights and assassins from hell.But as Evil dominates the land, Steven will stand tall and become the one true beast champion warrior!





	1. The Mythic Dawn and the Mundane Now

**Author's Note:**

  * For [VanillaSkyce](https://archiveofourown.org/users/VanillaSkyce/gifts).



> This story contains graphic violence, two 15 year old boys experimenting with their sexuality, graphic violence, hardcore sex and magic. Some characters like Pearl are male because I feel like it. 
> 
> This was inspired by https://archiveofourown.org/users/VanillaSkyce/pseuds/blubberpatchcumquat this person. I have no idea if they'll like this, but their story and works inspired me to do this. 
> 
> They're a much smarter person and better writer than me, so go read their stuff.

Steven Universe: Heretics and Killers

 

Author’s note: This story contains graphic violence, big black cock, hardcore sex, witches, undead unicorns and all manner of hellraising. And one Australian.

 

I’m not sure how long this will be, but we’ll see.

 

Reader perversion is advised.

 

Part 1: The Mythic Dawn

 

_**In time before time, in the final battle, the Diamond Authority Stood Triumphant over the Forces of the Old Gods.** _

_**Burned by the fires of Armageddon, the Heathen Gods went to ground as this Earth was forced to accept its new masters.** _

 

_**In their ravenous Greed, the Diamonds devoured the flesh, hearts and souls of humankind. They scoured the shattered cities and fallen nations to feed their blind, psychotic hunger.** _

 

_**Yet even in the hour of their greatest triumph and the apex of their power, the Diamonds would know failure, they would know fear and they would know Doom.** _

 

_**He wore a crown emblazoned with the cosmic rune of balance, and armed with sword and shield he hunted the slaves of the Diamond Authority with virulent cruelty.** _

 

_**Before they recognized the threat, he had shattered the Crystal Temples of Homeworld and destroyed the prime and beta kindergarten.** _

_**With unspeakable power and ferocity the Galaxy Warp was cut to pieces and shut down, trapping the Diamonds on Earth with the one who would be known only as the Berserker.** _

 

_**The battle between White Diamond and the Berserker lasted for thousand years before the Great Diamond Matriarch was obliterated without pity or remorse.** _

_**Before the incorruptible, unyielding Berserker, Yellow and Blue Diamond were felled.** _

 

_**As the Berserk made ready to murder Pink Diamond, the Forces of the Old Gods sprang a trap laid in motion when the stars were young.** _

_**Pink Diamond was shattered and the Berserker . . . vanished without a trace** _

 

_**The Demon Priests of Hell Foretold his return when the world would once more fall out of balance,** _

_**On the promised day, the mind, soul and body of the Berserker would be reunited and the cycle would continue.** _

 

_-The Testament of the Berserker, Source: Sucrose the Insane_

 

_**Rich or Poor, Noble or Common, if we sin we must disgrace the gods in this holy sept and we must lie.** _

_**We announce a new age of sin by bringing another, a new god to make the good people of this city into sinners!** _

_**This means death.** _

 

_-Sermon of Loger Labbit, Source: Septon Ray_

 

_**I should have chainsawed his boobies.** _

 

**-** _Bathroom Graffitti_ _, Source: Unknown_

* * *

 

_P_ _art 2: The Mundane Present_

 

_The Kingdom of Delmarva, Delaware City, 35 th year of the Reign of Queen Nanefua_

 

One of Steven’s earliest memories was looking through the peephole while Farmer Alger jackhammered into a whore like a beast-man in mating season. He wasn’t sure how old he was at the time but this was the first time that he knew you could do something with your dick that wasn’t pissing. Farmer Alger was definitely putting his big donkey dick to good use and the girl young enough to be his daughter was giving him his money’s worth.

 

It was after that day that Steven began to explore his sexuality when chores and Pearl would allow him too. The work schedule at Sugilite’s Sex Palace was pretty brutal. Helping in the kitchen, chopping firewood, scrubbing the sticky floors of the glory hole room and polishing the stripper poles took up much of his time. When that wasn’t a thing, Pearl forced him to undergo armed and unarmed combat lessons, lessons in balancing alchemy equations and worst of all, math.

 

There was no room for math lessons in the storage closet as Steven gave his friend Peedee a handjob between a sack of cleaning rags and an old bucket. The boy with hair that looked like french fries squealed like a virgin girl as he shot his load all over the floor.

 

Steven smiled. “That’ll be five shillings, Peedee,”

 

The boy under him moaned as his tiny boy boner started to wilt. “Can’t you give me a break this once, Steven?”

 

Steven shook his head as he started wiping up the mess that his friend left behind. “Sorry Peedee, sex in the walls of the Sex Palace has a charge. Also, if Pearl realized that I was letting payments slide he’d bust my ass for sure; like, with a broomstick.”

 

Peedee looked at the ground as he zipped up his pants. “What’s the point, Steven?”

 

“Oh when we’re grown up we can have sex for free as long as it’s under your roof,” Steven happily opined. “If you grow up to look like your dad you’ll be really hot, Peedee!”

 

The blonde boy sighed, “No, I mean what’s the point of growing up. I’m going to inherit my father’s potato farm and marry a woman that my father picks out. What’s even the point of any of it if I can only be myself in this shit-hole?”

 

“Sugilite’s Sex Palace isn’t a shit-hole, Peedee,” Steven protesed, “Well, maybe it is especially after special on Scat-Saturdays but you know what I mean.”

 

“And you don’t know what I mean,” said Peedee, “The Priests of Yellow Diamond still have a lot of power in the countryside. In the City, men can be with men and even marry; but in the country that can get you lynched or worse.”

 

Steven frowned, “That’s bad,” he said simply. “But don’t worry, Peedee, if anyone hurts you I’ll make sure to rip their fucking nuts off.”

 

“And what about when you’re not there, Steven?” Peedee’s sadness had only grown, with tears forming in the boy’s soft, doe eyes. “They may have suffered losses but the Yellow Diamond priests aren’t going anywhere in my lifetime.”

 

Suddenly the door of the storage closet flew open.

 

“Steven!” shouted a gaunt faced man with a bird nose. His one blue eye twitched with barely contained anger, his bulging glazed white eye gleamed like a cursed hell testicle. “What the fuck did I tell you? Finish your fucking math homework!”

 

Steven raised his hands, trying to placate Pearl’s eternal anger. “Look Pearl, I was going to finish the math assignments you gave me but then Peedee needed a handjob and his money was good.”

 

Pearl ground his yellowed teeth and wiped the spit and foam off his lips. “Peedee can get the fuck out of here before I drive my foot up his ass!”

 

Pearl’s temper was legendary in these parts. With a lot of hard work he’d become one of the most hated men in Delaware City. There was no goddamn way that Peedee was going to stick around and wait for Pearl to drive his size nine cowhide boots up his (not) virgin anus.

 

“So why the fuck aren’t you doing math right now?”

 

Steven made the mistake of playing the whiny child card. “Well, where the hell am I going to use math in the real world, Pearl?”

 

Pearl’s anger only burned hotter as he grabbed Steven by the shirt collar and lifted him off the ground. Lithe, sinewey arms raised the heavy fifteen year old so they were eye to eye. “You’re not going to use it every day, you ungrateful little shit streak! The math is to exercise your mind! If you think that people get wiser with age, you’re fucking stupider than I already think you are, Steven! Stupid people grow old too and unless you want to join their number I suggest you finish that goddamn fucking math homework!”

 

He dropped the lad and Steven ran like hell. Steven looked forward to the day that he’d be big enough and tough enough to clean Pearl’s clock. For now though, he’d have to slog his way through exercises about calculus, physics and engineering formulae.

 

The young man ran through the halls of the sex palace. Normally he’d stop to see the sights and sounds; the place was busy at all hours even if it slowed down after three in the morning. He’d normally stop to watch the Cool Kids host orgies for high paying noblemen. Normally he’d stop to say high to One Eyed Vidalia; the oldest whore in this joint. All of that would have to wait for math homework.

 

Steven used to wonder where Pearl learned all this. It wasn’t like the bouncer at a whorehouse normally knew how to read, let alone have a high level grasp of theoretical alchemy and trigonometry. Grunting, Steven calmed himself down by grabbing a candy he’d stolen from a visiting Flaxen Knight and started to suck on the sweet caramel. With sugar on his tongue, Steven forced his mind to work around tonight’s assignments while Pearl got to do the fun stuff like fight and lay down justice. He glanced around him. Living in an outbuilding in a whorehouse wasn’t exactly luxurious; it was barely bigger than the storage closet. What the outbuilding constituted however was the only home Steven had ever known.

 

Confident that Steven was in their shared room, terrified into doing his intellectual exercises, Pearl made sure to return to the drinking floor where various shit-for-brains thought that having a little money made them a king.

 

“I told you, Ronaldo,” he growled over the din of drinking, screaming and singing, “The serving girls are just that; youngest whores we have are sixteen. If you want them twelve, you’re going to have to take a ship to Olivia.”

 

“I paid!” bellowed Peedee’s older brother. The fat sack of shit had a serious problem around women and the older he got the more his inclination towards sadism grew. “I want those little girls and I want them now.”

 

“House rules say no. Queen’s law says no. I say no,” Pearl stepped into Ronaldo’s personal space. “Consider this your first strike.”

 

Unwisely, Ronaldo tried to throw a strike at Pearl. Like a striking snake, Pearl grabbed the young man’s wrist with steely reflexes. With much practiced ease, he put Ronaldo’s hand to the nearest table when he pulled out his dagger Gore-Cunt.

 

Pearl stabbed Ronaldo through the hand and pinned it to the table, the men and women playing cards screamed and backed off. With his other knife, Gore-Bitch, Pearl sawed through Ronaldo’s wrist and cut his hand off. “That’s your second strike.”

 

There was no witty comeback from Ronaldo because he was gushing blood from his severed stump. He pissed his pants and pinched the gaping arteries to try and stop the blood loss. It didn’t matter, really; Ronaldo wasn’t going to be the heir to the Fryman potato farm.

 

“Nice Save, Pearl,” said a woman nearing sixty, with a low cut dress meant for a woman half her size. “Us innocent little girls wouldn't know what to do without you.”

 

“Really, princess, shove it up your ass,” Pearl grumbled as the crowd in the drinking hall took it as their sign to retire to a room and rent a whore for the rest of the night. He crossed his arms across his cheap, burlap shirt. “I mean literally, you’re normally knee deep in dick by this point.”

 

Vidalia laughed, one big titty popping out of her dress while the other wiggled and jiggled precariously in her red dress. “All work and no play makes V a dull girl. Maybe you should pull the stick out of your ass for good and not just when you’re bending over for Bismuth.”

 

A tremor went through Pearl’s lean, whipcord tight body. “Bismuth has a pure heart; don’t go talking shit about him or I will fuck you up.”

 

The one eyed whore laughed and adjusted her dentures. “I swear to Blue Diamond, you were born without a sense of humor; it only makes all your other senses sharper. Tell Bismuth I said hello and that he should marry you; finally turn you into an honest man.”

 

“That’s impossible,” Pearl made an approximation of an emotion that wasn’t anger. “Now go earn your rent; I need to pick up a birthday gift for Bismuth for tomorrow.”

 

“Marry him, Pearl,” Vidalia smiled, putting her big titty back into her dress and slapping it back into shape. “I’ve known you for almost forty years and I literally never saw you happy until you walked into his blacksmith shop.”

 

Pearl had nothing to offer but a grunt. Pivoting on his boots, he grabbed the dagger from the table and wiped the blood off of it. When each dagger was clean and safely in their respective sheaths, he walked over to a big, fat woman in a sailor’s outfit who was heading up to the whore’s rooms with the rest. “Shad,” said Pearl. “You’ve come back from The Land Down Under; I need white powder.”

 

“You’re fucking mad, Pearl,” the woman Shad laughed as the boy-whore Lars spanked her wide ass. “I got out of that business a long time ago.”

 

“Do you have any white powder?” Pearl repeated.

 

The foreign woman wiped beer foam from her hairy upper lip and passed her mug to Lars. “I got three kids at home, Pearl. I can’t just sling _gear_ like when I was young; I’m old, I’m respectable and my cunt stinks no matter how much soap I use.”

 

Pearl narrowed his blue eye while his hell-bollock eye looked about to pop out. “I am going to have to fucking stab you, Captain Shelia Shad?”

 

Shad got the message. Quickly she gave Lars a french kiss and told her boy toy, “Warm up the bed love, I gotta grab a little coco for this wanker here.”

 

Meanwhile, in the shadows, a gleaming pair of white, milky eyes watched Pearl with great interest. 


	2. Crossing the Threshold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven goes through his daily routine and meets new and old faces. 
> 
> There is a ton of graphic sexual content in this. There is a girl with hermaphroditic anatomy, a Knight who waves his junk literally in Steven's face and a dead cat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I write this because I need to. It lives inside me and demands to be freed, like Mr. Hyde. 
> 
> In an earlier chapter, Logger Labbit is a reference to a Youtube Poop Maker I love and there's a homophobic here. I do not endorse homophobia in any way
> 
> Also Jasper and Bismuth in this are the biggest, gayest men I could ever write.

The next morning Steven chopped firewood in the courtyard of the whorehouse. The sounds of Sugilite and her cousin Amethyst were impossible to miss. Even over the _thwak-thwak_ of the axe, Sugilite had the loudest voice in the city. From the sound of it, Sugilite was angry that Amethyst was drinking all the ale and kicked her cousin right in the balls.

 

Amethyst shrieked like a little girl before they got their bearings and bit off Sugilite’s ear. Afterwards, Sugilite grabbed a kitchen knife and cut off Amethyst’s nuts. Steven thought nothing of it. An arrow whizzed past his head and stuck in the wood pile. Steven looked over to the improvised archery target and gave a give wave to his best friend. “Hey, best friend forever!”

 

“Shut it, Steven!” Lars hissed at him, adjusting his fine yew bow. “I don’t want you to embarrass me in front of Sugilite! And I really don’t need you embarrassing me in front of Amethyst! He’s a warrior who’s claimed thousands of lives and fought in a dozen wars!”

 

The younger boy shrugged and wiped the sweat from his brow. “I don’t think I’ll embarrass you. If anything, your archery skills are getting better. Have you been practicing at the Crown Target range?”

 

The boy yanked the arrow from the log pile, yelping in fear as a garter snake snapped at him for disturbing its hiding spot. “I’m not going to be working forever. One day, I’ll leave this place behind. I’ll fight with Amethyst in the Northern Wars, I’ll become a mercenary king and go down in history.” There was a hopeful look in his eyes which only warmed Steven’s heart.

 

“It can’t be easy being exiled from your family estate and forced to leave Flax country on pain of death,” Steven said with true sympathy. “You suck penis just as well as you use a bow or a sword and you should be really proud of that. Pearl even says that your skills are good—sort of. You’re a true Flaxen warrior at heart, Lars.”

 

“Shut up,” the older boy groaned and went to wash up and get ready for an evening of selling his ass. One thing at a time, and proper armor for going into mercenary work cost money he was still saving up.

 

Steven went about his chores but the words of Peedee echoed in his head. He caught a look at himself in the mirror in the main hall while cleaning the stripper poles. He was not very tall but he’d broadened, his arms and legs thickening. The lad was still a portly fellow but weapons training had made him strong.

 

For just a moment, Steven didn’t like what he saw. “Who am I?” he asked his rhetorical question in the still empty drinking hall. “I wish I could ask Pearl,” his only family figure said nothing.

 

He wasn’t sure where his life was going. The idea of working in this Whorehouse forever was . . . kind of sad. Did he want to be just like Peedee and follow in the family business? Or like Lars was he meant for greater things.

 

Steven had no money but as he went to get his wooden practice sword, he started to think about what and where he could find himself.

 

The lessons that Pearl had for him were exacting and brutal. However if Pearl was a brutal teacher he was also a fair one. Lessons were clear and as hard as objectives were, they were still within his means. The boy’s muscles burned as Pearl attacked with a metal buckler and a wooden sword. So far he’d held out for thirty seconds against the lighting strikes Pearl was throwing his way; like an enraged octopus that was lashing out with every limb at once.

 

The wooden blade struck Steven in the groin and he fell to the floor. Tears poured from his eyes and his face turned beet red from the impact. He’d be feeling this hit for days.

 

Pearl glared and stopped, not even breaking a sweat. “When you can we will start again. Learn from the pain, Steven.”

 

“Pearl,” his voice was hesitant.

 

“What?” the voice of his guardian was as cold as steel.

 

“People say you haven’t aged since you brought me here, are you a witch?”

 

Steven wasn’t prepared for Pearl to burst out laughing. Barking, wheezing laughter echoed in the courtyard. “That’s preposterous; the books we’ve read list the signs of witchcraft. Have I ever once shown signs of witchcraft?”

 

The young man shrugged. “Well, you’re always telling me to be curious, so I am. And I want to eventually leave you.”

 

“When you can kick my ass,” Pearl scoffed at Steven’s idiotic notions, “Then I’ll leave you alone for good.”

 

“But you don’t love me,” Steven caressed his still aching gonads. “Why stay?”

 

“You’re right,” said Pearl, “I don’t love you. I love Bismuth but I sure as hell don’t love you. When you can beat me in combat and not have it be a fluke, you can get rid of me for good. And I can spend the rest of my days worshipping Bismuth.”

 

“Guess who?” asked a deep, musical voice as giant, calloused hands covered Pearl’s eyes.

 

“Get your hands off me before I slit your throat!” but Pearl’s snapped, but his usual piss and vinegar wasn’t there.

 

“But you like my hands on you,” said the giant muscle bear of a man with rainbow hair. “You like my hands in you too, sweet cakes.”

 

The whipcord lean Pearl pulled away from the giant man, a blush on his pale, sunken cheeks. “Damnit, Bismuth! I’m teaching the boy! Don’t distract me.”

 

Very visibly Pearl was pitching a tent in his pants which caused a number of women and no small number of men to blush and turn away (or stare closer.)

 

Bismuth put one giant hand on Pearl’s cheek and gave him a most tender kiss. “Pearl, go get yourself a drink from the kitchen. I can feel the stress in you. I know you want to make me happy and the best way to do that is to let me make you happy.”

 

Beauty it seemed defeated the beast, as the giant black muscle stud slayed the white dragon with merely a glance. Pearl seemed to deflate and the extra size went right to his crotch. Adjusting his impressive junk through his loose pants, Pearl decided to walk to walk to the kitchen and grab an ale. “Steven, go clean the scorn pole.” he instructed.

 

The boy balked. “What the fuck Pearl? I cleaned the scorn pole yesterday!”

 

“Clean the scorn pole now, you arrogant asshole!” Pearl snapped, his anger returning. He was deflated once more as Bismuth put a hand on his shoulder and started to massage him through his shirt. “And when you’re done don’t you dare slack on your other chores!”

 

“Steven, can you please clean the scorn pole?” Bismuth asked, his white teeth flashing in a winning smile as he handled Pearl like a feral animal.

 

The boy grunted and hung the buckler at his belt. “Fine, but only because you’ll be the best dad ever, Bismuth.”

 

“The grey hairs are coming in, I’m afraid,” Bismuth proclaimed with mock horror.

 

The scorn pole was built as a punishment for strippers. Unlike the other poles this was made of wood and any who danced on it were not allowed to collect tips. Originally part of a pagan religion meant to curse those who danced on it, the scorn pole bore a dead cat atop of it.

 

Steven winced as the cloud of flies around the cat attacked him. He cursed but kept at his course of action; with a poke or two of the broom. The cat landed with a splat on the small dais, its guts spilling out its asshole and from the various wounds that no doubt ended the feline’s nine lives. Grunting, he managed to throw the cat into a burlap sack and throw that sack into the street. People on the other side of the whorehouse wall screamed and somewhere a horse cried out in panic.

 

The young man stared down at his hands, covered in rotten cat blood and worse. It was an option to run North and become a mercenary. He could be a hero and become a legend . . . or he could get a crossbow bolt on his first day and wind up in a shallow grave. He didn’t want to stay in Delaware City forever and he honestly wanted to get rid of Pearl.

 

As he went for a mop and bucket, he got a glimpse of Captain Shad having a beer and a whisky for breakfast. “Hey Shad!” Steven called cheerfully, “It’s been two years! How’ve you been?”

 

“Terrible!” snapped the foreign woman as she drained her whisky. “My sister was raped by an emu on the edge of the Outback.”

 

“That’s bad,” Steven conceded, wondering if they’d killed the evil bird out of revenge.

 

“Yeah!” Shad snapped before wiping a beer foam mustache. “Nine months later she gave birth to a hideous half man, half bird abomination that shrieks and caws at all hours of the night! We keep it locked in the family barn where it spends all day writing gay born on parchment!”

 

“That’s also bad,” Steven agreed.

 

Shad shrugged the boy off, “Eh, the local whorehouse back in Mel’Bin pays us for that gay porn, so the fucking thing at least helps pay rent. Enough of this shit! I need more beer and shrimp! I leave port tonight and I’m not leaving sober!”

 

Steven left the women and headed for the kitchen. If the cat blood and shit got dried on the floor then Pearl was going to set fire to his naked drawings of the No Home Boys. Upon entering, he noticed someone was pilfering pretzels and apples. A dark skinned girl in a travel cape didn’t notice Steven as she shoved her stolen goods into a satchel; on her head a strange cloth cap sported a pair of two point antlers.

 

“Halt, criminal!” Steven shouted, trying to be a bit more lenient and understanding than Pearl would be. “Explain yourself or I may have to call the catch-pole!”

 

The girl spun around, her wide, expressive eyes full of worry. By her prominent nose and full lips she seemed one of the dark people of Shawar. One of her hands trembled, clenching the travel satchel and the other briefly went to the antlers on her cap for some reason. Then the girl’s expression turned to one of anger. “This is a whorehouse isn’t it?” she demanded like she was going to drag her fucking greasy scrotum all over Steven’s face. “I demand you suck my cock!”

 

Steven’s expression immediately changed, “Okay! Pull down your pants.”

 

The girl grit her teeth as her hands steadied. She seemed to mull over her strategy before unzipping her fly and showing off a full set of both male and female genitals. “Come here and suck it, you fucking faggot!”

 

“It’s five shillings for a hand job, six for a mouth job,” Steven happily educated the girl with man and women parts, “It’s ten shillings if you want to do anal. I can top if you want but I really prefer bottom.”

 

Anger was writ large across the girl’s face as her dong withered from nerves and anger. “I don’t have any money! And I don’t need it! I’m a Princess of Shawar, I could have everyone here thrown in irons; so if you suck me and let me take these baked goods we’ll be even, peasant!”

 

Steven shook his head and raised his hand. “That’s not how this works. If you leave your stolen goods then this doesn’t go any farther. If you want me to please your juicy looking penis I’m going to need money.”

 

“Then I’ll just have to slice you open!” the girl shouted, trying to sound more badass than she felt as she drew a dull seax from her cloak.

 

However she she hadn’t counted on Steven not backing down, because in a split second the portly boy was on her and grabbed her wrist. With a move of his hips, he tossed her to the ground with a perfect wrestling throw; using the girl’s weight and balance against her. Finishing it off, Steven landed a strong punch in the mouth.

 

Two things happened, the first was that the girl spat out a tooth, the second was her cloth cap falling off. To the very great shock of Steven, he could see in fact that the antlers were in fact part of her head and not some decoration of an eccentric hat. “Whoa, was your mom into bestiality?” he asked innocently.

 

Spitting blood, the girl grabbed dropped her sack of goods and went for the cloth cap. Throwing it on her head hastily, she glared at Steven with incandescent hatred. “Take everything and we’re even.”

 

Steven let go of the girl, “What your name, Lady Deer?” he didn’t mean anything by that name. He just really thought that her mom got closer to a stag than most women should. Maybe her mother was like Shad’s sister. Or maybe her dad liked to fuck a doe.

 

“Eat shit and die, fat boy!” the girl growled as she sprinted out the kitchen door and past one of the cooks.

 

“Stay out of here, you little fucker!” shouted Chef smiley at the fleeing Shawar girl. “Oh, fuck! That little cunt fucked up my perfect pretzels!”

 

“I’ll help you, Mr. Smiley!” Steven offered as he slotted the girl’s dagger into a free spot on his belt.

 

The day dragged on and chores were broken up only by more home work. It was brutal, hard and dry; Steven found no interest in the dusty tomes of philosophy or the scrolls of ancient poetry. He simply had no more patience and effort to argue with Pearl about any of it. He committed the poetry to memory and took it upon himself to unravel the meaning of the philosophy no matter how dry and banal it might seem at first glance.

 

The sun was getting low in the horizon and tonight was a feast night. The whore house was going to be open to the general public soon and the real crazy times would start. Steven was going to be busy all into the night, sadly an obstacle stood in his way.

 

A shadow blocked the last of the sunlight as Steven walked to the shed he shared with Pearl.

 

“Well, wretch, bow to your superiors,” said a deep and haughty voice.

 

Steven sighed, turning and bowing as Pearl had taught him. “How do you do, Duke Jasper of Be’Ta?”

 

The towering man with rippling muscles and a huge cock sniffed and looked down his handsome nose at Steven. “Don’t you go throwing around manners like you’re any better than a pig, boy. I come here with the matter of utmost importance. I want to know where your Uncle Pearl is.”

 

Steven scratched the back of his head. “He’s not my Uncle. I’m actually not sure what he is or where he is for that matter. I think he could be with Bismuth.”

 

This seemed to spark anger in Jasper’s golden eyes and his blonde hair blew in the evening breeze. “To think that a fierce and noble creature like Pearl would sully himself with some mulatto foreigner like that blacksmith.” Every word and inflection caused Jasper to flex his muscles in some way; his barrel chest threatened to rip open the silk shirt he wore and beneath his breaches each of his giant thighs worked like the legs of a Clydesdale. His grapefruit sized crotch thrust with the mention of Pearl’s name and none of it was packing; it was all man.

 

There was very little energy left in Steven to deal with this nobleman’s ego which was bigger than his pectorals. “I don’t think Pearl is that classy. Bismuth met him when Pearl was being fucked by some sailors behind the manure pile in the stables.”

 

A flash of jealousy flared across Jasper’s perfect, chiselled features. “Which is why I find Pearl and I make him my Lieutenant. I’m in need of both a man of unparalleled martial prowess as well as a fine creature who can warm my bed; your Uncle Pearl is both and he just needs to see it. As he should rightly carry my banner, his lips should rightly wrap around my shaft.”

 

“I don’t think Pearl likes you,” Steven pointed out, “And really I don’t think you like him either. You just like the idea of him. Bismuth likes him because . . . actually I don’t know why, but I’ll get back to you on that.”

 

Jasper took a step forward, his fine boots large enough to crush Steven’s skull with a single kick. Deliberately he pushed his horse sized package into the lad’s face, causing him to lean back at the invasion of his personal space. “Listen boy, on this feast day I’ve beaten a dozen men at jousting, won no less than five duels with swords and fists and I did it all without taking a scratch.”

 

“I know you did,” Steven protested, “You win everything, every year. You also tell me every year when you come to visit town. You also tell me how in the Flax Civil War, you conquered so many neighbouring lands for your family and you never let me forget.”

 

“Nor should you forget my deeds!” Jasper snapped. “I’m to take a wife when I return to my ancestral estate, but my wife is for duty and Pearl will be both duty and Pleasure. So fetch him, I will be in the Cloud Arena Room.”

 

“My lord, instead of wasting your energy on this little butterball, why don’t you split my muff in half?” Asked Vidalia, saving Steven from more pointless boasting by fondling Jasper’s plum sized testicles through his breaches.

 

It took mere seconds for Jasper to forget about Steven, “Well Lady Vidalia, you are a fine distraction,” he purred like a tiger, “Though I’m afraid I’ll need more than you can offer.”

 

Vidalia giggled like a school girl as both her tits strategically fell out of her dress, “Lord you wear us girls and boys out and we all dream of your fat cock; the highlight of our year is when you come and use us, my lord. We wish only to fuck and suck you.” The one eyes whore turned around and shouted to another of her fellows, “Lars! Get over here! Duke Jasper desires some boy pussy and you are the ticket.”

 

Lars yelped and froze like a deer before Jasper’s predatory gaze. The huge knight grinned and picked up Vidalia in one arm. Taking two giant strikes he grabbed Lars by the scruff of his neck and lifted him off the ground. “This is your first time with me, boy? Normally I don’t like little sissies like you, but if your ass is as tight as I hope then I may leave a big tip for you; as well as the shaft.” His laughter rumbled unpleasantly as he took his first two whores of the night and went to his expensive suite.

 

The boy Steven let out a sigh as he entered the shed. The lights were out and no fire had been lit. In the last of daylight he noticed a note on the hard bed Pearl slept on.

 

Just as the stories he loved so much, Steven read Pearl’s note aloud. “ _Steven, I’m taking the night off. Fifteen years of working for Sugilite day and night and I haven’t so much as been late to work once. I will be at Bismuth’s home and I have no idea when I’ll come back. Finish your homework and all your chores as if I were there. If you slack off I will know and I will bust your ass.”_

 

Something . . . broke inside Steven.

 

Pearl was not his Uncle, his brother or any kind of relative. In fifteen years he knew nothing about the man or where he came from.

 

Pearl did not love him.

 

He had done the utter bare minimum that a parent should do. Steven wasn’t about to applaud him for that.

 

He looked at the dagger he’d taken off of the girl with antlers. He felt the money in his pocket that Peedee had paid him yesterday.

 

He needed to get out of here. There was no such thing as a good time to run away from home; but this was as close as he would ever get. Grabbing weapons, food and warm clothing, Steven prepared to leave this shithole behind forever.

 

Sadly, he was going to get his wish and then some.

 

 


	3. The Crash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bismuth and Pearl make sweet, sweet gay love. 
> 
> Connie and Steven make a deal. 
> 
> We meet a friend. 
> 
> and there are undead Unicorns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is rated for GRAPHIC violence, someone having their balls cut off and torture. 
> 
> There is also graphic aftermath of hardcore gay sex and lots and lots of cum. 
> 
> I am a very immature man. Please enjoy

_Part 3: The Crash_

 

_Bismuth’s house_

 

Pearl jolted up in the bed with a look on his face that he hadn’t worn in almost a hundred years; he was afraid. Scanning around, Pearl struggled against the bonds but then remembered where he was and relaxed. He was allowed to speak when Bismuth yanked the dirty sweat-sock from his mouth. “Hey lover, are you alright?” Bismuth asked, sniffing a bit and wiping some of the white powder from his upper nose.

 

The skinnier white man spat out fuzz and dirt as well as other tastes. “I’m fine, though for the record I will only allow you to pee in my mouth on your birthday; if you want it any other day then you can just forget it, mister!”

 

The huge blacksmith laughed, his penis dangling off the bed like another leg and the bulbous purple head swaying like a pendulum. Bending over, Pearl’s cheeks grew flush as he produced a bucket and a rag. Pearl was almost completely crusted with Bismuth’s jizz; the huge blacksmith had emissions like a horse, the biggest stallions. Beneath the crust of cum, were dozens upon dozens of red whip marks. Pearl hissed and then sighed as a clean rag with hot water began to clean him off.

 

“But seriously, are you okay?” the giant man with rainbow hair asked with unconditional concern. “I know we snorted a lot of drugs, but when I came to you were moving in your sleep and you looked scared of something.”

 

Pearl screwed up his face and winced, his one glazed eye seemed to deflate a little bit. “Can you take out the butt plug? The lube has dried off and it’s starting to chafe.”

 

Bismuth was as gentle as he could be, but it hurt him to see Pearl in distress. There was a pop and a hiss as he yanked the huge glass plug from Pearl’s abused anus; the stretched hole gaped and released enough jizz to fill a tankard. Putting the tool on the night stand, he took up the rag and to wash Pearl off. The thin, pale man hissed in pleasure a the attention he was getting.

 

Pearl was nearly clean when Bismuth repeated the question. “So what was your nightmare about?”

 

The pale man grimaced as Bismuth began to untie his bonds, but guilt tinged the ever present look of anger on his visage. “I dreamed of my step-mother. She took my innocence when I was four.”

 

Pearl found himself pulled into a deep, warm hug as Bismuth’s tree trunk arms held him tight and gentle. In the warm embrace, he felt some of his defences start to lower ever so slightly. “She was a sick woman; a viper who demanded love but never loved anything or anyone but herself. Father never cared when she raped me; he did whatever she wanted.”

 

“I lost my innocence to a priest who bought me after the end of a war,” Bismuth confessed as he began to stroke Pearl’s wild sex hair. “You’ll always be safe with me and it’s okay to cry around me.”

 

A single tear leaked from Pearl’s good eye as he returned the embrace with Bismuth, “I’ll always protect you, and I think we rolled into the pool of cum that came out of me.”

 

This prompted deep, belly laughs from Bismuth. “Well, I love you, Pearl. And I want to ask you for another birthday gift.”

 

Pearl groaned in mock annoyance, “Bismuth, you’re going to wear me out at this rate. But alright, ask me anything.”

 

The larger man kissed his smaller partner, “I want you to dominate me as I dominate you. Use me like one of your fancy women at the brothel and do it in one of the perfumed rooms.”

 

Pearl kissed Bismuth with full tongue, “Well you incorrigible rogue, you’ll break my purse but why not. Your safe world will be “owl” and we have to snort the last of the white powder together.”

 

“You spoil me, honey,” said Bismuth as he and Pearl got up off of the jizz soaked bed.

* * *

 

_Pearl’s Shack_

 

He truly did feel like one of the No Home Boys, he really did. Steven knew that he was one the cusp of adventure. Like the No Home Boys he might run into bandits, robbers, rapists and maybe even a family of cannibal rednecks who were also super zombies. Definitely _The No Home Boys and the Evil Residents_ was the scariest book in the series; which ended in Tom raped and baked into a pie by the evil Daddy Baker.

 

The books were ridiculous, full of whimsy and often filled with preachy moralization and calls to religiosity. The calls to faith had no interest for Steven, though he did in fact enjoy that the boys openly liked other boys even if Larry eventually took a girlfriend. For that reason, he made a little bit of room for _The Evil Residents_ in his backpack. It was the shortest book in the series so from a logistics perspective he would do well to have a book with less weight. If he found himself on a ship or other mode of transport he could very well find himself with nothing to do.

 

Almost against his better judgement, Steven grabbed a few sheets of math problems Pearl had been preparing and one of the new philosophy books that Pearl had murdered a man to get. He needed a sharp and strong mind; just like he needed strong arms to use a weapon.

 

Changes of clothes were packed as well as the equipment for making a fire and cooking food on the trail. Speaking of which, he still had time to steal from the kitchen, when he noticed the shack’s one tiny window was open.

 

His instincts kicked into high gear as Steven looked around the confined space. Looking up, he saw the cloaked figure on top of the shelf and tipped it over. The person on it shrieked as the rickety wooden bookshelf splintered into pieces. The girl from the kitchen who had a penis and antlers struggled to right herself; now bearing some new bruises and splinters for her troubles. She stopped her yowling when Steven grabbed her by the hair and put a kitchen knife to her throat.

 

The girl glared at Steven, her lips pulled back in a snarl. “Well, go ahead!” she shrieked, “What are you waiting for?”

 

“What did you come back for?” Steven asked in a level tone. Pearl had always told him that torture was unreliable to get information. You could get a lot more with a kind word and a knife than you could with just a knife.

 

“I want my fucking blade,” she snapped at him. “I need it to survive.”

 

“You’re not a very good thief, are you?” Steven suddenly felt pity for this angry, flailing girl. She had rage but no idea how to use it as a weapon or to control herself.

 

“I’m a princess!” The girl snapped, “And my name’s Connie.”

 

“So what are you up to, Connie?” Steven asked in a convivial tone.

 

The girl snarled but relented as the knife against her throat refused to move. “I’m on the run. My mother’s dying and every cunt in Shawar wants to end her and me. I don’t have any claim to the throne so my mother doesn’t give a shit if I live or die.”

 

Steven felt for the girl. “You could come with me if you like.”

 

“And what makes you think that I won’t stab you in your sleep?” she demanded.

 

The knife pulled from her throat and Connie exhaled sharply as her heart began to slow down.

 

“I beat you two times in a row without trying,” Steven explained, “I won’t give you your seax right away but I’m running away and I could use a partner.”

 

“Where are you going?” she asked, warily, “If you expect me to fuck you or do your chores you’ve got another thing coming. If anyone is going to do any fucking, it’ll be me!”

 

“Think of this as business,” Steven smiled and put his knife into his pack. “We’re still kids, we have a better chance if we stick together. If I fuck you, you can stab me in my sleep. If you fuck me, I’ll stab you while you’re awake. But I’d really like for us to do business for a long time; maybe even become jam buds. I really like your cock and I’d like to feel it one day.”

 

“Jam bud?!” Connie laughed, “What the fuck is—you know what, never mind. I’ll take your offer. As long as I don’t have to clean up after you, I’ll go along with this.”

 

“Loot is split fifty fifty,” Steven closed the straps on his backpack. “We shouldn’t try to rob Sugilite because he’ll find us and slit out throats, but we can rob some of the rich people in the fancy rooms before we go. The kitchen will be extra busy because it’s a feast night but try to steal things like beans and grain; stuff that will keep.”

 

“That’s agreeable for business partners,” Connie crossed her arms over her chest. “As a token of my generous nature, you can keep the seax but I’ll be taking a knife from the kitchens; because frankly I don’t fucking trust you.”

 

Steven smiled, “Well, love is infinite but my blood isn’t. I understand where you’re coming from. Partners should protect themselves from each other.”

 

Connie gave him the slightest smile when over the sound of feasting, fucking and whoring, a giant gust of wind rocked the tiny shack. It was like the worst of the winter storms but it only lasted for a moment. Then someone began to pound on the door.

 

“Open the fucking door!” shouted an unfamiliar voice, “No need for this to get bloody!”

 

The rickety door of the shack rattled on its hinges as Steven went for the long dagger he’d taken from Connie. “There’s a hiding place under the floor, get under it.” He hissed at her, as he lifted the rug and pulled put he trap door.

 

“What!” Connie snapped, “You’re fucking crazy!”

 

The person outside kept shouting, “Just give me what I want and nobody has to get hurt! Don’t start something you can’t finish!”

 

“Now!” Steven growled at Connie, waving the dagger in her face for good measure. He closed the trap door and put the rug over it. With any luck, it would just be a random drunk who’d wandered into the wrong neighbourhood. Maybe it was Ronaldo and some thugs. People had tried to kill Pearl before and Pearl had always sent them to hell.

 

Taking a deep breath, he hid the seax behind his back as he opened the door.

 

The first thing he noticed about the stranger was her stench. She smelled so bad his eyes watered and his nose felt like it was on fire. The dagger behind his back wavered as he tried to steel himself against the woman’s almost satanic body odour. She shifted and a whiff of her hairy armpits made him nearly puke; week old corpses buried in ditches by criminals didn’t hurt Stevens nose the way this woman did.

 

It was only a few seconds before Steven could get a clear look at the woman. She blinked her crusty, rheumy eyes at him and smiled; exposing a row of shattered, black and yellow fangs with chunks of raw meat stuck between them. “I didn’t expect to see you so soon,” she said kindly. “It’s probably for the better.”

 

Steven was confused, his grip tightened on his weapon. “Do I know you? Does Pearl know you?”

 

She cocked her head and scratched her thick, greasy lump of black hair. “Is Pearl your mother or someone who watches you?”

 

She got to one knee to better look Steven in the eye. Her pants creaked from lack of repair and general rot. The crotch area was stained red like she was free bleeding like nobody’s business. It took a second for Steven to realize that she wore no shoes or shirt; he thought the layer of dirt, mud and blue tattoos on her body was clothing. “Who are you?” Steven asked, not wanting to give away too much to the stranger.

 

“I’m Lapis, Lapis Lazuli,” she smiled and held out a hand smelled like she wiped her ass with it. “You may not remember me but a long time ago you did me a kindness when you had nothing to gain by it. A little more recently you did me another kindness. Do you remember an imaginary friend and he was trapped in a mirror?”

 

The boy’s jaw dropped. His knuckles went white around the hilt of the dagger. “I was four when that happened. Are you . . . Bob?”

 

Lapis laughed, “You don’t remember much but even then you had powers and you chose to be kind with them. I’m looking for someone called Pulsk the Immortal, but I also wanted to thank you and give you my blessing.”

 

It felt like a dream. None of it made sense. Steven had flights of fun and fancy free as a boy before Pearl got him into dry philosophy and threatened to break his fingers if he didn’t stop talking about imaginary friends. He felt that Lapis was Bob, his once imaginary friend; but it still made no sense logically. To be mixed up in the affairs of magic and sorcery was a dangerous business indeed.

 

“I wanted to bless you with the Venom of Venus,” said Lapis, raising a brown, ragged claw of a fingernail to Steven’s face. “There’s a war coming and you could find help from the old Gods when you need it most.”

 

“STEVEN!”

 

Lapis and the boy both looked to the source of the shout. Pearl stood with both his daggers drawn, white hell-eye swelling with rage and glowing faintly in the dark of the night. His teeth were sharp and drawn and his body was poised for murder.

 

“Get away from him, you bitch!” He barked.

 

Lapis . . . laughed. It was the first time that Steven had ever seen someone laugh at Pearl. This wasn’t a pleasant laugh; that slow, drawn out, sardonic laugh that Lapis ululated.

 

“Oh, you found my weakness, you bad man; it’s small daggers,” she chuckled and started casually ambling over to Pearl and his weapons. “I see the years have gone and turned you into a giant pussy; what’s with the name Pearl, Pulsk?”

 

“ **Leave. Now**.” Pearl’s glazed eye glowed with incandescent, psychotic hatred.

 

“But I just wanted to say I forgave you,” Lapis smirked, holding out both arms in mockery of a surrender pose. She stepped right up to the tips of Gore-Cunt and Gore-Bitch. “Five thousand years in a mirror wasn’t easy to get over; I really tried.”

 

“I accept, now go,” Pearl hissed through his teeth as a cloud began to cover the moon and stars with unnatural speed.

 

“I also need to bless the boy,” Lapis stepped further, the edges of Pearl’s knives drawing blood ever so slightly from her dirty and shit encrusted skin. “The boy hasn’t even been baptized.”

 

“ **You don’t want this fight** ,” Pearl literally growled, like some unchained demon of the lower realms.

 

A grin split Lapis’s face like an infected wound, “Now that’s where you’re wrong, kiddo. It’s my period but you can stick it any hole; or make a few new ones with those butter knives.”

 

“Get back whore!” bellowed a lordly voice.

 

Steven gasped as he saw Jasper of all people approaching, dressed in his usual finery and with his sword drawn. “Jasper get out of here!” he tried to warn the arrogant knight. The lad ran out from behind the door with his dagger out in the open. “Just walk away,” which was about the worst thing he could have said to such a proud warrior.

 

Jasper ignored Steven as he pointed his gold hilted arming sword at Lapis’s face. “This is your last warning. If I see you bothering Pearl again I will not go through a magistrate; I’ll shove this sword up your ass and out your mouth! Plague ridden whores like you should just crawl into a hole and die before I speed the process!”

 

“Get out of here, you fucking stupid behemoth!” Pearl cursed Jasper, pointing his daggers at the knight. “This is none of your fucking business.”

 

“Get that out of my face, you ugly shit-packer,” Lapis seethed, foam dribbling down her chin and snot running down her upper lip.

 

For one more second the world was normal.

 

Then a giant, filthy raven’s wing ripped out of Lapis’s back and slammed into Pearl’s ribs.

 

“Pearl!” Steven screamed as he saw his caretaker go flying from the impact, crack a support beam in half with his body before flying into the river that bisected Delaware City and fed into the sea.

 

A terrible banshee wail shredded out of Lapis’s throat like broken glass as she flew upon Jasper. Her great wingspan loomed high as she sunk her teeth into the knight’s arm at the wrist.

 

Jasper screamed in agony as Lapis’s razor sharp, gangrenous teeth chewed through his muscle and tendons before cracking open his wrist bones like a starving dog. There was a terrific _snap_ like a branch breaking as Lazuli finished chewing Jasper’s hand off and spat it out. Adding insult to injury, she vomited slime on the wound that staunched the bleeding.

 

Snarling and hissing, she sprayed boogers and spit all over Jasper’s face; her dirty claws ripping apart his handsome visage and shredding large flaps of skin off.

 

Steven barely had time to witness it all, it happened too fast. Then it got worse as Lapis drew from the well in the courtyard and began to command the water with hydrokinesis. The clean well water took on the form of tentacle, snakes, penises and dragons. A thick water python wrapped around Jasper’s mouth and prevented him from screaming. Other members of water wrapped around his limbs and raised him off the ground.

 

Jasper was an asshole, a blowhard and an all around jerk. Still, Steven never wanted to see this happen to him. “Leave him alone!” he cried.

 

Lapis held out one hand and by magic, the dagger flew from Steven’s hand into her own. “I’m not getting dragged into another war, Steven; I’m only here to commit genocide. You should run while you can; my sisters won’t show any mercy.”

 

Snarling and licking her cracked, puss oozing lips, Lazuli showed the seax to Jasper. Tears were running down his face as the water tentacles ripped off his clothes and left him nude as a new year’s suckling pig. “Pucker up, sweetie pie, I’m going to make you my woman.”

 

Jasper tried to scream through the water tentacle silencing him and for the first time in his life he tried to beg and plead. He should have known it was pointless as Lapis grabbed his impressive cock and gave it a firm squeeze.

 

Then like she was cutting into a pork tenderloin, she started to saw off Jasper’s cock with a dull knife. She looked bored as Jasper’s screams burbled and bubbled in the water; meaning less than the squealing of hogs and the clucking of chickens. Getting around to it, she threw his cock to the ground and started to cut off his tangerine sized balls. Since the knife was so dull, she ended up ripping open the sack. She just decided to rip it off like a chunk of loose intestine; crushing the two testicles in her hand and ripping off the last of Jasper’s manhood.

 

The pain and humiliation did not end, because as Lapis spat more slime on Jasper’s new crotch wound, one of the water tentacles formed a giant horse cock and started raping him up the ass. The water turned brown and red as the violent thrusting ruptured his colon.

 

Crying and helpless, Jasper begged for death and for any god who was listening to end his pain. Then Lapis grabbed his eyelids and pulled on them. “I don’t like your fucking eyes,” she said lazily as the knife got closer and closer.

 

There was an impact and Lapis suddenly dropped the knife and Jasper. An enormous, ornate battle axe stuck out of her side. It cut through her lungs and split her liver in half; it should have killed her but Lapis ground her teeth through the pain and beat her vast, filthy wings. Pearl stood atop the roof of the whorehouse, wet and soaking but ferocious and bloodthirsty.

 

Holding out his hand, the axe in Lapis’s body suddenly glowed white and went flying back into his hands like a certain mythic hammer. Lazuli screamed as the axe ripped out piles of bone and flesh on its way out. With his axe raised, Pearl jumped at Lapis with the grace and power of a panther. His scream was a mixture of rage and pleasure as he jumped through the attacking water tentacles like a cat through tree branches.

 

Steven saw the two figures clash, saw Pearl slam into Lapis with the force of a charging knight in horseback. He turned and ran. Pearl was a bad mother fucker, he could handle himself. He needed to worry about his partner.

 

Running into the shack he ripped open the trap door to see a terrified Connie, beyond any pretense of bravado or balls. “Run!” he shouted into her face, grabbing her and the pack he’d put together.

 

The two ran past the unconscious, broken form of Jasper and into the whorehouse. If they were lucky they could still make it into the whorehouse as—

 

**CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

 

Pearl went flying over Steven and Connie’s heads and demolished the wall of the whorehouse. People screamed as dust and debris clouded the air. Steven swore he could hear Bismuth crying out Pearl’s name as Lapis dive bombed like a raptor from hell.

 

“We have to help bismuth!” he shouted,

 

Connie grabbed him by the wrist, “Are insane! We need to run!”

 

“We don’t have to fight!” Steven protested, “Just grab Bismuth and run! He can help us!”

 

Lightning tore apart the sky and thunder boomed. Rain began to fall and Lapis cackled maniacally as she stomped on Pearl’s head inside what used to be the main feast hall. “Suck it down, shit-cock!” she yowled madly.

 

Suddenly, Pearl twisted her foot around and summoned his axe. Swinging up, the axe head bit into Lapis’s crotch, right between her legs. The water witch howled in pain as the water tentacles momentarily lost shape. Pear twisted the axe sideways and split her like a wishbone. Grabbing Gore-Bitch, he meant to drive it into Lapis’s eye but it stuck in her jaw instead and came out her cheek.

 

Her counterattack was brutal, without mercy. She smashed her fist into Pearl’s large nose and crushed it flat. Her other hand shot forward and rammed her claws into Pearl’s guts; she twisted and was rewarded with hearing him grunt in pain.

 

A powerful blow struck them both and knocked them flat. Bismuth stood over Lapis with a wooden beam too large for most men to lift. “Stay the fuck away from Pearl!” he screamed and swung down the beam. The huge mass of wood and nails struck Lapis on the shoulder and broke her collar bone in two. It should have been powerful enough to turn her skeleton into dust but she seemed to power through it. Her mighty wings took her forward and her wounds seemed to knit before Bismuth’s eyes.

 

The Blacksmith was thrown back and had the wind knocked out of him as the water witch hurled him across the bar. He was upon him like a starving dog and her rolling eyes met his. She grabbed his thick wrists and put his hands above his head. “Are you the boyfriend?” she asked with sadistic glee.

 

Holding in his intestines with one hand, Pearl swung the axe down with the intent to split Lazuli’s skull. Her left wing blocked the strike, the stinking, grease stained black feathers stronger than any suit of armor or wooden shield.

 

“Do you think he’ll look good in a mirror, Pulsk?” Lapis asked playfully. “Or should I also make him my woman?”

 

Pearl’s incoherent cry of fury drowned out the thunder as he picked up a thousand pound beam that held the ceiling along and swung it at Lazuli. The water witch went flying like a baseball and destroyed another wall in the whorehouse.

 

“Run, you fucking idiot!” Pearl screamed at Bismuth.

 

“I can’t leave you!” the blacksmith protested back, grabbing Pearl’s guts off the ground and shoving them back into his body.

 

Bismuth was shoved back, this time by Pearl, who grunted with concentration as a white light from within seemed to heal his wounds. “Your life matters more than mine! I’ll die without you, NOW GO!” he roared over the thunder as a hand made of water ripped off the roof of the whorehouse.

 

Steven and Connie looked up in the kitchen as the cooks and staff went running, their hands were full of bags of flour and lentils. “Oh shit!” Connie cried out incredulously.

 

“Steal anything you can! It doesn’t matter anymore!” Steven yelled in return as the two kids fucking bolted like scared rabbits. People were running from the mad water witch and the homicidal axe wielding homo. The kids fled into the coat room and started stealing rings and gold buttons off of shirts and jackets. Their hands trembled and they dropped more than they could stuff into their pockets or their one pack. Sticking to a vague and poorly defined plan was a better option than being trampled to death by people running for their lives.

 

With as much gold and silver as they could carry, the two made to bolt out the door but Steven tripped on something hidden beneath a stack of coats.

 

The thing under the coats gasped before Connie stabbed it with a purloined fork.

 

“Fuck!” Lars screamed as he pulled his nude form from under cover. “You little bitch!” As he pulled a dagger on the girl with antlers. He didn’t even land a hit as Connie punched him in the throat.

 

“Lars!” Steven cried out, rushing to help his BFF. “Connie, he’s my friend!”

 

“I’m not sharing any loot with him!” she bitched as he took the dagger from Lars.

 

“Put something on, Lars,” said Steven, “It’s not safe here. Me and Connie are going to run for the harbor and get a ship out of here or carriage.”

 

Gasping for breath, Lars was in no mood to argue as he rubbed his aching larynx.

 

That’s when things went from bad to shit, as the three youths heard the sound of hooves. Without any fucking warning at all, an army of undead unicorns bulldozed through the wall of the coat room and began to completely rip apart the rest of the whorehouse.

 

Looking outside past the horde of raging undead murder-beasts, Steven could see the unicorns raping and killing through the streets of the city.

 

The Unicorn Invasion of Delmarva had begun.

 

 


	4. Sun Tzu Says Kill All Unicorns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Undead Unicorns ravage the city while the defenders form a counter attack. 
> 
> Steven meets a powerful witch named Sapphire and its only going to get worse from here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's reference to a woman having sex with a pig in this. Be warned. 
> 
> Usual warnings for violence.

Steven Universe: Heretics and Killers

Chapter 4

Sun Tzu Says kill all the Unicorns

* * *

 

 

_Delaware City, Kingdom of Del Marva, two years ago_

 

“ _And then the beautiful maiden had her muff split by the fish man, with his manly shoulders and twisted fish penis,” finished the bard, strumming the last strings of his lute and adjusting his kimono._

 

“ _And then he turned into a beautiful prince! That’s how it must go, Totoro-sama!” gushed Steven, stars in his eyes and a smile plastered over his chubby cheeks. All around him, the janitors were cleaning up and the whore house was closing town. Sugilite himself lay snowing on a pile of naked men who were all covered in his jizz but begged for more even as they dozed off._

 

_The bard laughed, putting his lute in a lacquer box covered with oni, kappas and strange creatures from a far off land. “No, Steven-kun, for that is the answer and the riddle of love. He did not to change to a man to love her or be loved by her. Love does not fix you like a carpenter with a broken chair. Love is something we give, love is something we grow like the rice harvest. You know a bad man because he demands love but you know a good man because he gives and lives it. The Fish man of the Magic Lagoon gave Ophelia Love, which is why he need not be anything other than himself; for she loved the fish she met more than any hypothetical prince.”_

 

“ _Oh Jiminy,” Steven’s big eyes watered up with tears. “Totoro-sama you’re a genius of love.”_

 

“ _One day you’ll find love, Steven,” laughed the portly bard from a far away land, “You’ll know because they give you love. They’ll inspire you to be better but they won’t change you like you’re a bored nobleman’s project.”_

 

“ _Senor Del-Toro, we’ve got a problem,” muttered a swarthy girl who came to collect the bard’s lute and bring his jug of rice wine. “Pearl is having sex with the black blacksmith in your wagon.”_

 

_The bard scowled, “Fuck, my name is not Del-Toro, Adleta; get it right! Second, I’ll deal with that skinny bastard myself!”_

 

_Steven jumped in front of the bard and his assistant who was too lazy to get his name right. “Wait, I’ll deal with Pearl! I don’t want you to get hurt!”_

 

“ _You’re a good boy, Steven,” smiled Totoro. “You’ll go far in life.”_

* * *

 

_The Unicorn Invasion of Delmarva, Now_

 

People screamed and ran for their lives as the undead unicorns charged. The City guardsmen were mobilizing but they were blindsided and unprepared for an attack. The army of evil unicorns from hell had appeared as if by magic and none of the city watch had found them. From the sky giant fireballs fell and blew people to pieces, sending body parts flying to all corners of the town and filling the great Sucrose River with pieces of rubble and human.

 

A unicorn charged up the street at Steven as his friends, “Run!” he shouted, grabbing Connie and trying to get her to run back into the destroyed whorehouse where Pearl and Lapis were fighting.

 

Bravely, Lars notched an arrow and loosed it. The thick armour piercing shaft cut through the air and struck the unicorn right between the eyes. The rotting flesh and compromised bone gave way and Lars scored a perfect head shot on the beast. The unicorn let out a baleful and remorseful last neigh before falling and falling with the momentum of its charge.

 

Lars laughed at his victory, only to fail to see the other unicorn charging up the street with his horn lowered and aimed right for his soft, pink, naked ass.

 

When with a mighty crunch, Bismuth struck a heavy sledgehammer at the unicorn and turned its head into a bag of wet hamburger. The thing didn’t even let out a cry as its horn shattered like glass and the skull turned to pulp. A fragment of the unicorn horn struck Bismuth in the shoulder and his cried out. But he would never have let Pearl’s boy go out into this hell alone.

 

Lightning bolts struck the sky and set fire to the old dilapidated whorehouse. Sugilite was going to be pissed.

 

A herd of seven unicorns charged for the group, moving over the bodies of dead people and broken buildings. One of them broke an ankle and it would have spelled the end for a regular hoofed animal but their undead bodies felt no pain and no remorse. Their horns lowered, their milky white eyes empty and soulless.

 

Flashing from the shadows came a glowing purple whip. One unicorn had its head torn right off by the whip and a second whip pulled a beast in front of the others causing a stampede. From the burning wreckage of the whorehouse, Amethyst jumped all towering in chain mail and a purple amethyst gem glowing in his chest. Laughing gleefully, he drank the rotten black blood of one of the unicorns before stomping on its head like a bug. Hooting and hollering, he easily destroyed the creatures, while sounding like a fourteen year old girl.

 

Connie stood behind Steven, unsure if Amethyst was a rapist. “Okay, plan to deal with the barbarian. You offer to suck his dick and I’ll cut his fucking nuts off. When I do that you stab him right in the gem and shatter it.”

 

“Amethyst is my friend!” Steven shouted, “He’s not a rapist. He’s also only a he when he feels like it.”

 

Amethyst laughed “Hey Ste-man! Good to see you finally found a girlfriend and you’re not a big fag like I thought.”

 

“Get down here and say that to my face, you worthless piece of shit!” Connie yelled, brandishing her seaxe. “I’ll show you fucking girlfriend, all over your fucking shards!”

 

“Oh-la-la!” Amethyst laughed, “She’s a real spitfire Ste-man, I’d say put a ring on this bitch but she’ll leave the kids and trade up for a richer man.”

 

“We don’t have time!” Bismuth shouted, trying to keep the panic from his voice. “Pearl is going to be fine, he’s tough. But the rest of us need to get to safety. The safest place I know is the house of Sapphire the witch; there’s no safer place in the whole kingdom than her sex dungeon.”

 

“Yeah gang,” laughed Amethyst, cracking his whips and wiping unicorn brains from his boots. “Let me show you how a real man of the North fights! I’ll keep you little girls safe; except you, Lars, fuck you. Keep up with me if you can, fag.”

 

Across the city, people were dying and fleeing but there was nowhere to run. When people tried to hide in a building, the unicorns would combine the magical energy in their horns to exponentially magnify their powers. Concussive lightning blasts blew apart even stoneworks and whole houses were vaporized. The carbonized, incinerated body of a dead child was raped by a unicorn because that was what its master willed.

 

Lapis Lazuli landed in the middle of the carnage and laughed. She’d never been a nice person but after she’d been imprisoned by Pearl and handed over to Blue Diamond, she got a lot worse. Life was nasty, the universe was inherently evil; and she was going to work as hard as she could to make things a fuck of a lot worse.

 

Her laughter was glottal and specks of blood gurgled from her throat. Pearl had ripped her face off and crushed her windpipe with his bare hands, which was only half healed. The raw muscle and bone of her skull glistened and her wings flapped with barely contained glee. Unlike the servants of the diamonds, she didn’t do violence in the name of her religion; violence was her religion. The old Gods did not demand worship, they only demanded animal instinct; give them that they they would be . . . not generous but honest. Unlike the Diamonds, the old Gods could be taken at their word.

 

Focusing her energy and tapping into the skeins of fate, Lapis felt the world, felt the strong and weak atomic forces that kept everything together. She felt the force of magic, a wholly seperate force that operated under its own internally consistent rules. She felt the forces of the Diamonds stirring.

 

Images flashed across her mind.

 

_Blue Diamond’s corpse splayed across a mountain peak where the berserker left her for dead._

 

_Yellow Diamond crushed to dust, her body reforming in silent, constant suffering._

 

_White Diamond . . ._

 

_Still alive._

 

Lapis barely flinched as one of her unicorns gored her with its horn, three children skewered by the beast as it rode by. Losing a lung was inconsequential. She clenched his eyes, hands and toes to touch the world itself.

 

_Steven, the new berserker, would grant her peace_

 

_Pearl, the one she hated_

 

_And Bismuth, forced to lose his humanity by for the sake of his love_

 

Lapis laughed, her face nearly regenerated. She took flight in the skies, she would have to find Bismuth. There was no more tasty and delicious way to make Pearl suffer than to trigger the transformation of the blacksmith into an immortal homunculus. Sure, Lapis liked to fuck puppies in her free time; but torturing and raping an immortal was so much more fun, so much more rewarding than a fleshy, squishy mortal.

* * *

 

_The Magic District_

 

Since the reign of Queen Nanefua, Parliament had ordered that most magic users would keep their businesses seperate from residential areas, same with butchers, tanners and grave diggers. Most alchemists, witches, mages, wizards and so forth produced deadly byproducts from their magic or craft and it had to be kept away from the public. They could live outside the magic district but this was how it played out.

 

Steven, Lars and his friends charged to the magic district where the city’s defences had pulled back to. Wizards had put up magic force fields, from behind which crossbow men took turns volley firing. “Get down!” roared amethyst as the team flattened themselves against a fallen slab of masonry. A literal rain of arrows, crossbow bolts and sling stones came down in direct line of fire at the charging mass of unicorns. The heavy duty projectiles destroyed the zombie brains of the unicorns and put them down, or destroyed the rotting muscle and ligaments in their legs and took them out of the fight.

 

Between volleys of crossbows and arrows, fairies and sorcerers fired magic projectiles which inflated the unicorns like rotting meat balloons and blew their carcasses sky high. The stink was like rape for the nostrils but it meant that each dead unicorn was one more that would not be able to channel their deadly magic. When one herd of undead unicorns tried to summon magic chain lightning, a team of expert faeries countered the spell and caused the unicorns to simply be _unmade._

 

“Let me by, idiots!” hollered Amethyst as he led the party to the magic barrier like a wall of bulletproof glass. “I’m Sargent Amethyst of the City Guard Militia! Sugilite is my Cousin!”

 

“Let her through, let her through,” shouted a guardsman in kettle hat and mail. “We’ve seen on sign of your cousin but we’ve sent out messenger parrots to connect with other guard units and the city command!”

 

“Whatever!” Amethyst brushed the man off as the defenders closed the magic barrier behind them, “I’m here to fight, not strategise like some kind of fucking egghead!”

 

“But my lady!” the man protested as Amethyst shoved him away,

 

Steven wanted to help but Amethyst grabbed him and Connie by the hand and dragged them off. “We should help!” Steven protested.

 

“And I say we’re getting you kids to Sapphire’s place!” Amethyst growled, “Once we leave you in her play house I’m going out to kick some ass!”

 

The party made their way through the crowded streets of the magic district, while the creatures of the old gods were trying to push through. On top of a tall, creaky wooden building, an ogre shot fireballs out of its ass. Crossbowmen were at as a disadvantage and arrows were unable to penetrate its scaly hide. The ogre then stood up and began vomiting corpses at the defenders.

 

Seeing an easy solution, Amethyst used his whip to rip out a vital part of the wooden building. The ogre howled as it fell and the building it stood on collapsed. Instantly, elves began to swarm the beast and stab it in the eyes with poisoned daggers.

 

Over in the skies, a swarm of leprechauns riding red helium balloons blew over. The little malicious creatures started dropping what looked like jars of pasta sauce. One of the jars burst open and melted an elf defender like butter over an open flame.

 

“Whoa!” Laughed Amethyst, “That guy fucking melted.”

 

Lars said nothing, using his high powered bow to pick off the flying balloon leprechauns. Two were struck through the chest while another had its balloon burst. The thing landed on its feet like a cat, only to be clubbed to death by guardsmen eager for revenge.

 

It was there like a dream, a house made of frost and snow. Amethyst charged through the front doors, only to be thrown back. A woman stood in the door, her fat, corpulent body barely stuffed into a silken blue dress and her cleavage flashing nearly to her belly button. “Don’t enter my place without an invitation,” she said in a frosty voice.

 

Steven stepped forward, getting right up to the rotund woman. “Sapphire! We need your help! There’s a water witch called Lapis Lazuli and she’s killing everyone and I think I set her free from her prison!”

 

Sapphire pulled back her hair, revealing a blue, silk eye-patch. Her single blue eye widened with surprise as she pulled a caramel out of her cleavage and ate it. “You walked through my protective wards, Steven. You must be a magic thing of some sort; but I don’t have the time to properly analyze your powers.”

 

“Please!” Steven begged, “My friends are in danger and I need your help.”

 

Sapphire rolled her one eye and grabbed another caramel from between her tits. “Well, only because you said please. The rest of you, get in my house and don’t touch anything. I’m taking you to my sex dungeon.”

 

The sound and chaos of the outside was cut off. A lighting blast from the unicorns hit Sapphire’s house but was easily rebuffed by the ice witch’s magic wards. Inside the home were hundreds of books about sex and sexually transmitted diseases.

 

Sapphire waddle down the stairs, her wide body not allowing anyone to walk side by side with her. “I felt something was off, but I’m stunned by the level of power this Lapis Lazuli wields. There’s definitely something about you Steven and it’s nothing good.”

 

Steven looked down, only for Connie to hit him on the shoulder.

 

She glared at him, “Don’t let this fat body tell you what’s good and what’s not! You hear me, lardo!”

 

From nowhere, a bird made of frost attacked Connie in the face. Sapphire meanwhile levitated off of the ground, allowing Connie to fall down the stairs and hopefully break her neck. Steven charged down after his new partner in crime, trying to save her life.

 

Amethyst giggled to himself and thought about copping a feel of Sapphire’s huge shelf of ass.

 

“Try it if you don’t want to live,” Sapphire said in an arctic voice, “I can see the future, idiot. You can’t find your dick without a map.”

 

“Shut up!” snapped Amethyst in his little girl voice.

 

At the base of the stairs, Connie stood up, shaken but unhurt (very much.) All around them was a room full of dildos, lube, butt plugs and sex toys. From the look of it, Sapphire was a size queen. She could probably do double penetration from a fucking Minotaur and still have room in her pussy to spare.

 

A fire crackled merrily in the sex dungeon, casting warm and familiar light over the sex couches and the portraits of Sapphire when she was a much younger and far thinner women. “I’m not as flexible as I was two hundred years ago but I’m a much better,” she announced, as if reading Lars’s mind. Or rather, seeing ahead of time the questions he would ask.

 

Sapphire put her sausage fingers on Steven’s face and began to open his eyes wide. “you definitely have a cosmic force in you,” she tutted, “It’s going to kill you and everyone you love. I feel bad for you. My advice would be to kill your enemies while you still can. I’m just getting a good look of your future now, there’s a lot of uncertainty but I think I can help you with the help of Ruby.”

 

“Who’s Ruby, Madam Witch?” Bismuth asked with much practiced politeness. Whether it was talking to women in public or peeing in Pearl’s mouth in private, Bismuth was ever the gentlemen.

 

“Ruby is my wife,” clarified sapphire, waddling over to a towering steel door with no visible locks or handles.

 

“That’s so cute!” cooed Steven, stars in his eyes and cheeks all rosy.

 

“Stupid,” Connie muttered, trying to pick herself up off the floor; secretly grateful that she hadn’t broken her neck while falling down the stairs.

 

Sapphire opened her eye-patch to reveal an empty socket surrounded by scar tissue. Inside the gory, dank socket, a blue light glowed and a small ice crystal formed. Taking the shape of a heart, the ice levitated out of Sapphire’s skull and touched the door. It was absorbed into the hardened, reinforced steel and the vault door slid open. What greeted Steven and his friends was the smell of rotting food and a semi-human scream.

 

“ _Hurrrr_ -rts! _Squee!--_ Where Sapphire!” screamed an inhuman thing that was chained to a heart shaped bed and wearing what used to be a sexy nightgown before it was covered in two days of pasta sauce, jizz and chocolate frosting.

 

“Oh Jiminy!” Steven shouted out as he jumped next to Connie.

 

“What the fuck is that?” Connie thrust her dagger at the abomination chained up at the bottom of Sapphire’s sex dungeon.

 

“Kill it with fire!” shouted Lars, notching up an arrow at the creature.

 

“That’s Ruby,” Sapphire commanded in a voice which was telepathic as well as audio. “She’s my wife,” and she waddled over to her dear, loving wife. Everyone watched as she ran her hands over muscular arms the size of Bismuth’s thighs and a shredded set of abs that looked like it could be used to shred cheese. “It’s okay, Ruby, I’m here. Sapphire is here, I’ve brought chocolate, chocolate my love.”

 

Ruby sat up, her chains rattling and her bulging muscles straining against them. Around her chest, the soiled nightgown split open and let her hard muscle boobs pop out. “ _Oink!_ Sapphire! Ruby Hurting! _Hurr!!_ Ruby bleeding!”

 

Steven was given a better look at Ruby’s face and saw a set of boar tusks jutting up from her lower jaw, as well as an upturned pig snout at the center of her face. “It’s . . . very romantic,” he said, face turning pale.

 

Sapphire didn’t look at Steven, only pulling out a giant lump of half melted chocolate from her bottomless cleavage. “Ruby tries to eat human flesh when she’s on her period, we’re both on our periods which is why I’m eating so much.”

 

“How can you let that live?” Lars asked, before an icy hand formed in mid air and grabbed him by the ballsack.

 

While Lars squealed like a little girl, Sapphire pet Ruby’s stiff bristle hair and fed her opium laced chocolate. “Three centuries ago I had sex with a pig. Because it was against the god, I was cursed by Ultra-Satan and became a witch. The villagers tried to stone me to death, so I used my newfound magic to infect them all with HIV. After that, I mutated Ruby the pig into a more or less half human and we were married by the goblins.”

 

“That’s . . . romantic?” Steven had no words.

 

“Yes! Very romantic,” said Bismuth through a forced smile. “Is she going to attack us?”

 

Sapphire shook her head as Ruby’s shackles fell off. “She’s eaten her chocolate and the drugs within. Later on I’ll let Ruby eat my pussy and we will all be fine. For now, Ruby will be your protector.” The obese witch then turned to Ruby and caressed her pointy ears, “Ruby, these are Sapphire’s friends. Take them to find Pearl.” One fat sausage finger caressed her wife’s face and there was a blue glow.

 

Recognition and understanding instantly came over Ruby’s swine features. She let out something that was maybe a laugh from your nightmares, “Ruby protect friends! Any fuck with friends, Ruby’s gonna suck their guts out!”

 

Sapphire gave her pig wife a big tongue kiss and swirled around the inside of her mouth for spare chocolate flavor. “That’s my eternal flame. Take the chainsaw from under the bed; the one Sapphire got from the Dark Lands of Technology.”

 

Ruby let out an ear splitting _Hurrrr-squeeeeee!!!!!!_ as she jumped off the bed. Towering over Bismuth, the gang had just an idea how fucking huge Sapphire's bacon wife was. Reaching under the heart bed, Ruby produced a fucking hungry man of a chainsaw that would normally require two men to lift. She grinned from ear to ear, bits of apple and chunks of raw meat stuck in her yellowed teeth. “Come, friends! Ruby find Pearl! Ruby Suck off Pearl!”

 

The choke opened and Ruby pulled the cord. The chainsaw roared to life, screaming with mechanical rage; screaming for blood. Everybody got behind Ruby because nobody wanted to get in her fucking way.

 

“Steven,” Sapphire shouted as Ruby stormed up the stairs, “Someone is going to die tonight and you have to choose who you save.”

 

The boy couldn’t get a word in before Bismuth took his hand and led up the stairs, back to the war zone, back to death and mayhem, back to Lapis and Pearl.


End file.
